Where have I been?

I was recently queried to "where have you been?" And it's true I've been absent from all of my usual haunts. I haven't shown up on facebook except to express my dismay when someone backed into our car, damaging 2 doors and drove away. Not one of my better days. I haven't returned phone calls, text messages or emails. I've been in a dormant state. Truth is I've been grieving.
I'm trying to learn a new "normal" that doesn't include daily visits to check on and care for my mother. I'm not picking up the phone to call her and tell her about the cute thing her great grandson said. Grief is a wide chasm that can devour you whole if you are not careful.

Some of my days since my mother's passing have been better than others. The day my daughter fell from her bike during a triathalon and suffered a subdural hematoma, not so good. The day I held my new grandson for the first time and looked into the faces of his brothers that were so happy that "duchess" would fly all the way to Missouri to be with them, better.
The grief comes and goes, not everyday is painful. When someone dies and leaves you in charge of everything they ever owned on earth, you have occasion to open a box and wonder, "What on earth was she thinking?" My mom's treasures were her own. Some make me giggle and some make me ponder her sanity. I opened a box today and found a yellowed newspaper clipping with a photo and a caption announcing the success of a recent March of Dimes Walk-a-thon. Valueable? It's absolutely questionable. But there in the center of the photograph was a 12 year old me walking with her best friend. This clipping had value to my mother.

I've come to understand something about empathy. It's that emotion you have when you are truly listening to what someone else is saying. Being so involved in their "story" that you forget to prepare your response. As you grieve, you push people away. You don't know what to say. They don't know what to say and so everyone is just uncomfortable.
Recently, an 11 year old girl through her arms around me in a hug and told me she knew just how I felt. She had recently lost her new puppy. Before you judge, realize that her empathy was perfect. Her words a little flawed. Her puppy was probably the only thing that she had thus far in her life loved and lost. She is a shining example of not being afraid to say something stupid. She didn't keep me at arms length, she plowed right into my personal space and empathized. So my challenge to all of you out there that may know of someone grieving. Do that hard thing, get past the fear of possibly saying the wrong thing and at least say something. From experience, I can tell you that the silence is nearly as debilitating as the grief.

My Mother...

This is my family, yes, I'm the stone-faced one, second from the left. My father passed away 16 years ago. On Tuesday amid fireworks and celebration for the 24th of July my mother slipped to the other side to join him. So now there are two. But that count is a little off. Mom was grandmother to 11 and great-grandmother to nearly 11 more, Luke is due in August.
Words become incredibly inefficient at portraying feelings at a difficult time such as this. She suffered much in the last months of her life. She was forced to do many hard things. She had to endure the confining space of an MRI machine, drink barium on more than one occassion, have a port placed for chemo therapy and be strapped down, pinned to a board like a butterfly to endure radiation treatments. And not once did she complain. She did what I have seen her do everyday of her life; she "pulled on her big girl panties" and she did what she had to do.
Living is hard work and so is that of dying. Having these last months with her were bitter-sweet.  If there is a blessing of a terminal illness than it is that you are granted time with a purpose. The questions you ask are more tender and the answers more profound. For the last 5 months I have been her companion, her cheerleader, her soccer mom (for all the driving her and there), her advocate and her care giver. I will miss her.

A celebration of her life will be held Sunday July29th from 6-8 p.m. at Myer's in Ogden. Her funeral is 10 a.m. at 720 Nancy Drive Monday morning. She will be laid to rest next to her eternal companion in the Baggs Cemetary.

When a plan just can't come together...

So you may remember, I took up crocheting again not long ago. I produced a cute little hat that looks like a koala bear and had envisioned plenty of baby photography using it as a prop.

Creating a keepsake for the newborn's mother to share with her child as he grew into adulthood. Something that would inspire that "ahhh" comment. Instead, this is what I got....

Evidently my personal plan did not coincide with the plan of this 10 day old infant. Who knew that the "ahhh" I was hoping to capture would really resemble something more like "WAHHHHHHHH!!!"? Too funny huh? So it got me reflecting on how often what I plan actually turns out the way I thought it would. The statistics in my favor are extremely low. So what do you do? You learn to smile and go with the flow. And when plan A isn't working you capture plan B.

Thomas Edison said," I did not fail to make a lightbulb 10,000 times. I found 10,000 ways that didn't work as a lightbulb." So he buckled down and kept inventing until he found the one that it would work. And aren't we all greatful for a little "light"?

Where have I been?

I was recently queried as to my absence. So in full disclosure, I will tell you where I have been. First, you must know that I do not vacation like most people. I can only take so much sand between my toes and so many fruity drinks with little umbrellas before I get a little bit twitchy. I don't sit still very well and new and foreign places fascinate me. I like to explore and photograph every new thing I see. I recently had the opportunity to take a 6 day vacation to South Dakota. First off, I will admit to being slightly geographically challenged, but I had no idea that South Dakota was so close. I really figured it to be the other side of the moon. Maybe, after my children moved in so many distant directions (Alaska and Missouri) it all became relative. As I am experiencing a fair amount of stress concerning my mom's terminal cancer diagnosis my husband thought it would be wise for me to get away and "relax". This is how I relaxed in South Dakota.

First we explored Mammoth Site of Hot Springs. It's an indoor excavation site featuring the fossils of 58 Columbian and Woolly Mammoths. (Who knew there were more than one kind of mammoth? Those of you that know me well, know that when my son asked me to tell him the name of dinosaurs I used "Ralph" and "Henry" instead of tyrannasaurus rex and trycerotops. Hey, it worked until he could read.)

We of course visited Mount Rushmore. It proved to be a challenge of night photography to be discussed later. Sadly, I was a little disappointed as I was expecting the "National Treasure" version. There is no lake behind their heads and no city of gold either.

This is Sylvan lake in Custer State Park, a few miles away.

This is the Mountain Goat that was visiting the Mount Rushmore profile turn out at the same time we did. He was just two empty car lanes away from the parking lot.

We visited Cosmos, mystery area where gravity seemed "askew". And we checked out "Bear Country" which was a wild experience of the safe kind. All bears were viewed from behind the safety of our closed car windows but they were close enough to touch.

And if you are going to get up close and personal with bears, you have to check out the cold blooded critters too. We visited Reptile Gardens where according to their own literature you see more species of reptiles and amphibians than any other zoo or park in the world. It was 12 year old boy heaven. My favorite place was the safari room within the sky dome. It was wide open with a number of species of amphibians, lizards and tropical plants just out in the open.

Prairie Dogs are plentiful and it's fun to see the babies out and about.

Only two days out of the year you can get the opportunity to check out Crazy Horse's nose up close and personal. We were fortunate enough to be their to participate in a 10K volkmarch through the pine trees and up to walk out on the arm of Crazy Horse. Remember, I'm relaxing. We also visited Wind Cave National Monument and Jewel Cave. Slept in a rustic cabin, well only one night, after that we opted for beds, cable t.v. and our own shower in Keystone. So you may be wondering, did I return from South Dakota relaxed?  See for yourself, I'm the one on the left.

I suffer from DIY syndrome...

I suffer from "do it yourself" syndrome. Really I'm just cheap. So the projects at my home are never ending. My daughter is due to have a baby in August. She showed me some very cute baby pictures on pinterest. I'm not sure if she was loving the newborn or the little moose cap he wore. So seeing as I'm a photographer and all, I wondered where I could get that cute little moose cap. Isn't the internet a wonder? So after a few google searches I found this delightful web host. (or something, I don't speak computer tech very well) called ravelry.com. There for a small fee you can get instructions nearly instantly by paying a small fee with your paypal account. And if you join, they will even keep a "library" of the patterns you have purchased.
So sign me up and one trip to walmart, scrounging for some buttons etc. I came up with this...

Now granted, this is not a moose. And imagine it looking cuter with a brand new baby head resting underneath it. My advice for all those others suffering from DIY syndrome, there should be a pill for that. And if you go to Etsy it's entirely possible you can find someone to do this for you. As for me? I remember seeing a really cute little owl and possibly a skunk. It would do me no good to freeze my credit cards because paypal remembers them for me.

What I love most about taking pictures....

I love creating memories. When I'm out "shooting" families, I find that they fall into 2 different categories. The one I struggle with the other I enjoy. I struggle whenever a family has unreasonable expectations. Cranky babies are never featured on hallmark cards. 3 year olds will always rumble their shirts and fall in the dirt. That's life. No worries. It's what happens. If you desire that kind of portrait, hire an artist to immortalize you the way you want in oils on canvas. You not only stress me out but you stress out your family as well. And they kind of family I really enjoy? The realistic ones. The ones that are capturing a memory. Not every hair has to be in place. Matching is optional and please show your personality.

It's a great time to get your family pictures before you are too busy this summer. Call me, let's set something up. (Notice the "blogspot" on the pictures, that is my not too clever way to protect the pictures from being hijacked and placed in other venues without proper credit.) Have a great day and make a memory. Remember as far as everyone else is concerned... YOU are part of a NORMAL family.

Photography tips....

So I recently had to do the absolutely unthinkable if you are a photographer. I had to let someone else take my picture. I learned some very hard truths that I want to pass onto you. 1) Never let your children dress you. You see, you are their mother and to them you always look good. You are usually wearing something they hope to never be caught dead wearing, but YOU still look good. 2) Practice your pose in front of the mirror. Again, to your children you may be flawless but on film, it can be another story. 3) If you choose to color your hair, do it before you have pictures taken. You may think you get away with "roots" in your everyday life, but it's mostly that no one wants to rat you out. And lastly, 4) It is not always an option to hide behind a child or spouse so if you are over a certain age ( you insert age here) it's probably best that you wear spanx under everything. Truth be told it's probably not a bad practice for everyday. Kind of along the lines of ... "if you feel like the inside of a sausage casing, then maybe you can forgo one or two bites.".

And the best thing about taking pictures, instead of being in them?

Shots like these. So what if some photographs have more personality than others? Those are the ones you love.