Thursday, March 15, 2012

Because I think you should know...

There has been a fair amount of drama in my life of late revolving on my mother's terminal diagnosis of salivary gland cancer. To that end, in between shepherding my mother to her multitude of appointments I was strongly encouraged, nay more likely arm wrestled to make a mammogram appointment. Now it's not that I'm opposed to preventative health care. In fact, it's just the opposite but years ago (apparently eight) I was told that my breasts were dense and thus it made mammogram screening less than likely to find anything. Dense? really? I mean they went to school and everything. They may not be good at reading or math, but that shouldn't be held against them. So spoiler alert, we are about to enter the "too much information" portion of this blog. So I hang my head in shame that my breasts are not talented enough to be of the tassel twirling species but more like the roll them up from your waistband and secure with duct tape variety. In fact if you make one minor  word substitution in "do your ears hang low?" you can fully understand the functionality of my mammary glands. Especially the "can you throw them over your shoulder."
     Now even though Dave Barry and Mark Saal both columnist have written paragraphs to prepare us for the colonoscopy neither has approached the subject of preparing for your mammogram. Neither are quite qualified on this subject. Thus I will fill in this "hole" in modern medically learning so that you can be prepared.
    First gather three or four of your closest friends or family members. It is best to select the ones that you have something to hold over on as they are going to see you up close and personal. When you are called back to have a mammogram you will be offered the opportunity to only have a top "cover-up". You are so thrilled that you can keep your own pants on and not expose your backside in those "one size fits no one" gowns, you fall on this choice like a tick on a hound dog. This may be your first error. Without closely checking out said garment you will remove all the stuff you wear on top and place this garment over your head. At that precise moment you will realize this is really a doll size wrap around skirt with no sleeves that you are wearing around your neck. Even small movements may have you feeling "breezy" in places that are usually warm. This is just the precursor of things to come.
   To stimulate the next steps at home you must first chill 2 dinner plates overnight in your  sub zero freezer. Order a backhoe and sponsor a party at your local McDonald's play land to remove all small children from your neighbor hood. Now standing bare footed with your doll size skirt around your neck have your "friend/neighbor" place the first dinner plate on her shoulder, she should be at least 6 inches taller than you. Place a towel between her shoulder and the plate so she doesn't get freezer burn. Now without standing on your tip toes, get one of the "girls" up on that plate. Have another much stronger friend bear down on you from above with the second plate until said "girl" is approximately 1 inch thick. Now the next step can either be done under cover of darkness or while on the kids are at McDonald's depending on the rental fee for the backhoe. Lay down in the street on one side. ( the side that has the smooshed breast) Take a deep breath, and as the backhoe drives up over your plates twisting them 90 degrees, know this only happens three times on each breast. This experience is actually by far more relaxing than the actual mammogram because you are laying down.
    There you have it, my public service is now complete. As I am relatively close to 50 years old you may tune in back her and also find helpful hints on preparing for a colonoscopy. Hope this has been fun for you and that you too will rush out and have a preventative health screening soon. Feel free to leave a comment, but if you are inappropriate, know I will have to delete it. After all the only one that can be inappropriate here should be me.


Anita Preece said...

Welcome to old age my dear friend! I hate mamograms. I have NEVER only had one per year. Every year I get called back to do a second look, because they have seen something. I have even been scared too death by having a third, ultra sound. I always liken this experience to laying on the floor of your garage and having the garage door slam on your boob. I am glad that you are maintaining your sense of humor through all this heartache with your mom! Love ya!

Georgia said...

Your written commentary was almost as funny as the in-person, acted-out version I enjoyed last night!

You are hilarious! I so appreciate your good nature and fun-loving personality, especially at this difficult time of worry and sadness over your mom.

I remember you in my prayers every day.

Amber said...

You are a walking ad for preventative health care:) I'm almost a believer. I'm glad I waited for the blog version!

Anonymous said...

Thx for your post, I really enjoy your blog. Long time lurker, first time commenter, you know the drill. I tried to share this one time before, I don’t think it posted correctly…hopefully it will this time!